Broken Garden

My heart is breaking tonight. Have you ever felt completely abandoned by the person who is supposed to love you? If you have, you get me.

It's partly my own fault. I fell in love with real wooden floors and my own patio garden. I wanted out of my run-down one bedroom flat and made a deal with the devil- or shall I call him my ex? He didn't want me to live in my old place and offered to buy a condo for me to stay in while I was in school. I haven't finished my degree yet but he called me last night to inform me I have until May 31st to move out. This is his second call, the first he told me I could stay as long as I paid double rent. I wouldn't let him hear me cry over the phone but as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. The next day I pulled my resources and called him to say I'd be staying at least through the summer.

Happiness is watching my lavender grow and planting big boy tomatoes alongside Italian basil. My tiny garden is a refuge. There is jasmine and honeysuckle, snapdragons, sweet woodruff, mint and so much more. I would sit in my garden at midnight and feel the wind sweep dewey musk across my face... magical. Is it wrong to worry about who will take care of my plants? I feel like a fool.

I don't know where I'm going to live and in all honesty I'm terrified and feel completely alone. My co-workers have offered to have a moving party for me... I got a little choked at their kindness. I'm not sure how to afford school, rent, food, and utilities on part-time income. Did I mention I'm scared? My boyfriend told me as a last resort I could live with him. He is a Christian and disagrees with living together before marriage. I am a romantic/practical girl who: A. Wants to know my man is willing to protect and provide for me if I'm being thrown out... and B. Understands it is a good financial decision.

I respect his opinion about living together before marriage. I used to uphold the same opinion for myself at one time. Part of me still does but I also believe Western Christian marriage customs are messed up. I say this because of the whole, "no sex before marriage but let's wait five years until everything is perfect and the right time to get married and expect to survive raging hormones" thing. Where is the sense in that?

Alas, I am frustrated. My boyfriend became Katie Perry's hot and cold song because he was alright with it and changed his mind in less than fifteen minutes. Is this love? Is he loving me through respect of morality or am I getting used? I don't know but what I do know is I hate moving. I will miss my hardwood floors and pretty tulips. I hate boxes too!

I am scared but I will make it. I told my boyfriend I don't need his help with my move and will find a place of my own. It's not that I don't need anyone, I just don't need a man jerking me around and toying with my heart.

Wish me luck,... and here's to finding a new place to call home!

I'm supposed to be studying for my Cross-Cultural Communications class right now. It's not going to happen until two hours pre-exam while I sip a Mountain Dew and chow on a kashi granola bar. I will skim my notes (I don't even own the book), and will still come up with the highest grade in class. I don't understand why this happens other than good luck mixed with the right amount of bull s**t. I refuse to believe it's due to intelligence because an intelligent person would have already studied by now. Attaining academic excellence used to be a goal of mine because I wanted to prove to the world I was smart. I am over that and have since realized many super intelligent people are snobs. I am not a snob. I couldn't be if I tried. I've lived nearly every walk of life and if I skipped any I have friends who did. It's what gives me compassion toward so many. People are so quick to judge others, I hope if we come back to Earth again we will be in the person's shoes who we judged most.

Today was rough. Boot camp pushed me to the edge and I felt queasy near the end. I had no idea there are so many ways to do push-ups, squats, and lunges. An ordinary push-up is no small feat for a girl like me let alone doing them while sticking one leg in the air, one-armed, or my favorite "rolling" push-ups (talk about porn-star move lol!). And to top it all off my coach decided to chat with me during cardio blast. I shook my head up and down because I couldn't get words out; but if I could've it would have probably sounded like this: "Hello, I just did porno push-ups and can barely breath so go talk to the skinny girls!"

Now I'm at home. My ex called me tonight, being down just wasn't enough I suppose. I'm not going to let him get to me. How is it words can stab you where it hurts the most? He is an artist at knowing just how to reduce me into a pile of complete worthlessness who should be solely grateful for all he's done for me, or so he tries. I don't fall for it too easily anymore but I do admit it saddens me that he is so pathetic. I feel sorry for him. He told me a while back he would die wealthy with several cars in his garages, alone, and not have anyone to mourn for him. Again, I feel sorry for him.

I must go to bed. If I don't I will surely google strange words and terrorize myself with new theories of dark matter, bubbles, and eternity. I am odd. I accept it. Good night!

Soapbox and Open Eyes

It's Thursday night around 9:13 pm in Columbus, Ohio. I am anxiously awaiting the weekend so I can go shopping with my Mom (and not have to get up at 4:30 am for boot camp). I am exhausted today from all the going-ons in my life. And since I'm a girly-girl, I'm frustrated with all the new articles and tips recommending to only wash your hair once or twice a week. I happen to wash my hair everyday and now I feel I must allow essential oils to nourish my strands. Well fine, but I hate oily hair and walking around with it makes me feel dirty. In my opinion I think it leads to clogged pores and dirty ears but now I'm just on a soapbox. Ugh.

So on to the real chaos. I had a fight with my boyfriend last night and I'm worried he is beginning to display behaviors of a controlling person. He has been away for almost six months and has written me countless love letters and called me several times each week. We do get to see each other every so often but being apart is still tough. He (okay- his name is Jonathan), has planned every day for us after we're reunited. I love that he has put so much detail into our relationship and wants to surprise me, but that's not the issue.

Last night he informed me the first Friday he's home I'm taking him out for his birthday. Well okay, first weekend out and of course I'll treat. Honestly, I'm perfectly happy with taking him out and looking forward to it. The issue lies with the next two Friday nights. I'll start with the second weekend in May. He agreed to go with me to a charity performance for a children's hospital and meet my friends who happen to be in the dance number. I was excited to introduce him to everyone but then received an email from one of his guy friends stating he was planning a surprise party for him the same night. Well of course I gladly accepted his friend's request to help surprise my boyfriend and I was happy his friend cares so much. Then Jonathan informs me the prior weekend he is also going out with another guy to play pool. Okay... I totally respect the guy's need to have a guy's night out but he hasn't seen me in six months and the first few weekends he spends with the guys. Seriously???

I let him know I was a little offended but he reminded me he didn't plan the party (I'm no good at keeping secrets). Then he replied with, "I knew you would react this way because you're not spending every minute with me." Excuse me! I never planned every minute with you, that was your doing. I have my own life, girls, and of course girl's night out not to mention we've been apart for six months! Since when am I needy or dependent? I've practically been on my own since fifth grade.

I realized he was using an immature control tactic to make me feel guity and get his way. I also notice he is paranoid I will be with other guys when I go out and has wanted me to stop seeing certain friends (the ones who go out) because they are bad influences on me. I suddenly feel slightly suffocated and angry because I recognize this behavior from my past abusive relationship. Will he change? Is it just my imagination? I'm not sure but this time around I have my eyes open. I love him, but I won't accept bad treatment. I have come too far and maybe just maybe I'll see my dreams come true some day.

New Perspective

I really should be doing a million other things right now but I'm a student and figure it entitles me to some degree of procrastination. I really feel the need to say, "Ahhh, Monday."



My day began with bootcamp for women, a grueling hour of intense fitness at 5:30 am. At the time I signed up I was excited and ready to make a healthy change. The first week I nearly threw up, cried, and I finished in last place when I ran (more like walk/jog) the mile. That week I seriously doubted I was cut out for bootcamp and wanted to hide under my bed when the alarm sounded at 4:30 am. Day three was so severe I could barely move and no amount of advil or ice packs seemed to touch my screaming muscles. I've worked out with personal trainers in the past but never experienced this intensity. My coach has oodles of neat letters after his name, has written books and articles, and was the physical trainer for the Columbus Crew soccer team. He is a great coach and although I'd never say it to him, he is the human version of the reindeer coach in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He's just got that whole "coachiness" thing going on, complete with whistle.



This week I have a new perspective. I am over the soreness, over with feeling out of place. I figured so what if I can't do side plank push-ups the way the other campers can. I try anyways and I think I'm starting to feel like something bigger than myself. It's a good feeling and in all honesty, the best part is not being sore. It was an athletic feat just to lower myself to the... um, you know. I haven't lost much yet, just about five pounds but I feel better and am starting to get more energy through the day. New perspective- Who cares what other more fit, marathon running women think because I'm just as determined to achieve my goals.

First Entry: Beginnings

Where to begin... the meat aisle at Kroger's is good enough for me. Tonight I had a craving for meatloaf and found myself going to buy a package of ground chuck. What's odd is I haven't craved beef since my divorce three years ago. I'm choosing to believe my sudden desire for red meat is a sign of change to come- I am hoping for a good outcome. It's in the oven now and I can smell the brown sugar and ketchup glaze. I've never made a meatloaf before and I didn't use a recipe so wish me luck.

On another note, I'm glad I began my story in the grocery store. For whatever reason it is a place I find solace in and remember nights walking aimlessly through aisles to survive until morning. I would look for foods I'd never tried before and would always end up buying some gourmet salad dressing, Vienna sausages, and orange juice. The other day I bought sardines in mustard sauce because they reminded me of my grandfather. I miss him. I went on a bit of a sardine kick and googled everything related to sardines and found out they are very healthy food. I almost bought the Sardine Diet but opted against it last minute due to my coworkers giving me a hard time. I use mouthwash people.

Tonight I felt overwhelmed, as if my life thus far has been a touch meaningless. I felt scared of my future and wished I had made better choices in my past. Yes I survived an abusive relationship but so have many others. When it boiled down, I felt alone and rejected my siblings. It is hard being thirty-one, back in college, working part-time with not having enough money to survive, having no children to love, and no husband. And yet, people look at me and think I have so much... and I do, I really do. The grocery store is the one place that makes me stop and focus, think and re-think. I am not the failure I have been called before. I will overcome my personal obstacles. I am surrounded by wonderful people and my siblings are well meaning and very busy individuals. I want to break out of this rut and accomplish everything I've dreamed.

This week I'm applying for internships and I am hoping and praying someone will give me a chance to work hard and accomplish great things. I feel a little out of place competing against twenty-somethings and am worried my interviewers will take one look at me and wonder why I'm not home raising kids or already climbing the career ladder. Although I have fear, I won't let it stop me. I'm going to press on until I find something I can do and do well. It's easy to say all of this positive attitude stuff but in the end I know it will be me getting up, sending the resume, and ultimately making my dreams a reality- with a little prayer and help from my God up above of course.

As for the meatloaf... yum! No recipe, just a little bit of this and that and quite frankly it was darn good. Put the beef in a bowl, one egg, some milk, garlic, bread crumbs, pepper, Worcestershire, ketchup, brown sugar, mustard and then I glazed it with more brown sugar, ketchup, and mustard. Set it on a rack to let the fat drip out and then fell in love with some good 'ole comfort food.