First Entry: Beginnings

Where to begin... the meat aisle at Kroger's is good enough for me. Tonight I had a craving for meatloaf and found myself going to buy a package of ground chuck. What's odd is I haven't craved beef since my divorce three years ago. I'm choosing to believe my sudden desire for red meat is a sign of change to come- I am hoping for a good outcome. It's in the oven now and I can smell the brown sugar and ketchup glaze. I've never made a meatloaf before and I didn't use a recipe so wish me luck.

On another note, I'm glad I began my story in the grocery store. For whatever reason it is a place I find solace in and remember nights walking aimlessly through aisles to survive until morning. I would look for foods I'd never tried before and would always end up buying some gourmet salad dressing, Vienna sausages, and orange juice. The other day I bought sardines in mustard sauce because they reminded me of my grandfather. I miss him. I went on a bit of a sardine kick and googled everything related to sardines and found out they are very healthy food. I almost bought the Sardine Diet but opted against it last minute due to my coworkers giving me a hard time. I use mouthwash people.

Tonight I felt overwhelmed, as if my life thus far has been a touch meaningless. I felt scared of my future and wished I had made better choices in my past. Yes I survived an abusive relationship but so have many others. When it boiled down, I felt alone and rejected my siblings. It is hard being thirty-one, back in college, working part-time with not having enough money to survive, having no children to love, and no husband. And yet, people look at me and think I have so much... and I do, I really do. The grocery store is the one place that makes me stop and focus, think and re-think. I am not the failure I have been called before. I will overcome my personal obstacles. I am surrounded by wonderful people and my siblings are well meaning and very busy individuals. I want to break out of this rut and accomplish everything I've dreamed.

This week I'm applying for internships and I am hoping and praying someone will give me a chance to work hard and accomplish great things. I feel a little out of place competing against twenty-somethings and am worried my interviewers will take one look at me and wonder why I'm not home raising kids or already climbing the career ladder. Although I have fear, I won't let it stop me. I'm going to press on until I find something I can do and do well. It's easy to say all of this positive attitude stuff but in the end I know it will be me getting up, sending the resume, and ultimately making my dreams a reality- with a little prayer and help from my God up above of course.

As for the meatloaf... yum! No recipe, just a little bit of this and that and quite frankly it was darn good. Put the beef in a bowl, one egg, some milk, garlic, bread crumbs, pepper, Worcestershire, ketchup, brown sugar, mustard and then I glazed it with more brown sugar, ketchup, and mustard. Set it on a rack to let the fat drip out and then fell in love with some good 'ole comfort food.