Broken Garden

My heart is breaking tonight. Have you ever felt completely abandoned by the person who is supposed to love you? If you have, you get me.

It's partly my own fault. I fell in love with real wooden floors and my own patio garden. I wanted out of my run-down one bedroom flat and made a deal with the devil- or shall I call him my ex? He didn't want me to live in my old place and offered to buy a condo for me to stay in while I was in school. I haven't finished my degree yet but he called me last night to inform me I have until May 31st to move out. This is his second call, the first he told me I could stay as long as I paid double rent. I wouldn't let him hear me cry over the phone but as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. The next day I pulled my resources and called him to say I'd be staying at least through the summer.

Happiness is watching my lavender grow and planting big boy tomatoes alongside Italian basil. My tiny garden is a refuge. There is jasmine and honeysuckle, snapdragons, sweet woodruff, mint and so much more. I would sit in my garden at midnight and feel the wind sweep dewey musk across my face... magical. Is it wrong to worry about who will take care of my plants? I feel like a fool.

I don't know where I'm going to live and in all honesty I'm terrified and feel completely alone. My co-workers have offered to have a moving party for me... I got a little choked at their kindness. I'm not sure how to afford school, rent, food, and utilities on part-time income. Did I mention I'm scared? My boyfriend told me as a last resort I could live with him. He is a Christian and disagrees with living together before marriage. I am a romantic/practical girl who: A. Wants to know my man is willing to protect and provide for me if I'm being thrown out... and B. Understands it is a good financial decision.

I respect his opinion about living together before marriage. I used to uphold the same opinion for myself at one time. Part of me still does but I also believe Western Christian marriage customs are messed up. I say this because of the whole, "no sex before marriage but let's wait five years until everything is perfect and the right time to get married and expect to survive raging hormones" thing. Where is the sense in that?

Alas, I am frustrated. My boyfriend became Katie Perry's hot and cold song because he was alright with it and changed his mind in less than fifteen minutes. Is this love? Is he loving me through respect of morality or am I getting used? I don't know but what I do know is I hate moving. I will miss my hardwood floors and pretty tulips. I hate boxes too!

I am scared but I will make it. I told my boyfriend I don't need his help with my move and will find a place of my own. It's not that I don't need anyone, I just don't need a man jerking me around and toying with my heart.

Wish me luck,... and here's to finding a new place to call home!